Ugh. I seem to have awkwardness down to a science.
I'm not kidding. Sometimes I think I'm just a walking awkward situation. Don't believe me? Here is a list of everything awkward that I have encountered THIS WEEKEND ALONE:
- I had a show and the guy that opened for me was on tons of drugs and kept giving me hugs while repeatedly telling me I looked lovely.
- My family came to the show and got to meet said opening act. He rambled incoherently and acted like he knows me well even though we've had approximately three conversations.
- The show started 45 minutes after it was supposed to because the opening act had to change the tubes in his amp before his set.
- My bandmate was late to the show, but his new girlfriend who I hadn't met yet came really early and awkwardly approached me.
- I wasn't really in the mood to deal with meeting my bandmate's new girlfriend, so I tactlessly ditched her with a couple of my old hippy friends (I live in a commune, remember?). They grilled her relentlessly about her relationship with my bandmate. She looked really uncomfortable but I found it hilarious.
- When the opening act finally started playing, he played for way too long and all of his songs sounded like drug-induced durges.
- There weren't many people in the audience, and at one point he came into the audience with his guitar, stood right in front of me, and serenaded me with a song about flowers. Note: my entire family is in the audience as well as some old friends from college. I kept accidentally looking over at people next to me and seeing them smirking. I felt extremely uncomfortable and it took every bit of self-control not to laugh.
- I did a set of solo songs before my band played. It would have been a lot better if I wasn't so nervous...and if my dress didn't start falling off in the middle of a song. I tried to play it off as a bad ass rock star thing, but both shoulders of the dress just kept slipping and it was reaching into dangerous territory. I ended up stopping the song, fixing my dress, then starting the song again, changing the lyrics to how I almost lost my dress. Fail.
- Afterwards, a couple of awkward boys told me the onstage wardrobe malfunction was the best part of the show. Double fail.
- I took a chance on playing a song I had written two days ago and promptly forgot some of the words.
- I had the following conversation with a random guy after my set:
Guy: "I really liked your show!"
Guy: "It seemed like you were laughing at your own awkwardness the whole time and it was great! I almost love watching shows like that more than really cool shows!"
Me: "Thanks! Wait...was that a compliment?"
Guy: "Yes...I think so?"
- The restaurant owner came over to congratulate my bandmate and I after the show...but he really only talked to my bandmate. He only made eye contact with him and directed all of his "you rock" and "that was awesome" to him alone. It made us both feel a bit uncomfortable.
- I was going to go dancing with some friends from my commune last night, but somehow that turned into going to the dive bar down the street with a really random group of people: A 21-year-old dance instructor, a couple of late-twenty/early-thirty somethings, and an old hippy poet dude. One girl drank a little too much and told us a little too much information about her sex life.
- We attempted to play pool and it became obvious to everyone that I have only played pool about three times in my life.
- There was a girl in the corner wearing a dress that was four sizes too small for her. She was playing video poker with some dude in the corner and I'm not sure what was more awkward - the fact that she dressed like that to go to that nasty pub or the fact that we were all staring at her and making fun of her within ear shot.
- Eventually, we left the bar and walked back home. It was late but we were all still wide awake. The girl who had told us about her sex life went to go smoke a joint with this guy from Syracuse (he invited all of us but she was the only one that wanted to). Mr. Syracuse's girlfriend lives next door to me and is out of town for the week. Old Hippy Poet and I drank tea in the kitchen, waiting for the girl to stumble in and provide us with more entertainment (we figured that Mr. Syracuse would kick her out after a few minutes). But after a half an hour of talking about the meaning of life, there was still no sign of Mr. Syracuse and the girl.
- So we decided to go check on them. After awkwardly lurking by the door for a couple of minutes, we knocked and went in. They were just sitting there listening to The Black Keys. And when we entered the room, it went dead silent.
- Old Hippy Poet made a graceful exit but I missed my cue and was still in the room. I talked to them for a minute, then awkwardly announced that I was "really going to bed this time, guys" and left.
- My Internet went down for a little bit and then I discovered that The Transatlantic Support Group had proclaimed me missing. Ack. Sorry guys. I'm alive! Alive and perpetually awkward. FML.
Okay, that's all I have for now. It doesn't really beat Tom and Allison's epic awkward stories, but hopefully it was semi-amusing...
Here is a picture of me blogging in a coffee shop so the whole world can see I'm blogging!