I think I've spent a long time wondering if there's something wrong with me because I can't seem to maintain a healthy, functional relationship of the romantic variety. But lately I've begin to think that there's just something wrong with them. Or maybe I'm just only attracted to men that are emotionally unstable (and potentially homosexual).
Really, I think the next time I go on a date, I'm going to hand him an application. I'll let him buy me dinner and I'll eat it while he fills it out. Then I'll conduct an interview over the remainder of dinner. The date will end, I'll contact a few of his references and review his application, then either send him a flirtatious text message to keep things going or delete him from my phone entirely. Sounds like a fantastic way to stream line things, doesn't it?
I think part of my application might look a little bit like this:
Check all that apply:
- I live with my mother.
- I have a bossy sister who controls my life.
- I'm a recovered porn addict who is now a religious fanatic.
- I have a girlfriend that God told me to marry, but I'd rather not tell you and spend several weeks leading you on.
- I don't like to touch girls.
- I'm only going to call you when I'm involved in a social situation that requires me to have a girlfriend.
- I'm Pentecostal.
- One time, I tried to start my own cult.
- I'm going to act like I'm completely not interested in you and then years after you've moved on I'm going to get drunk and tell you how attracted I am to you.
- Sometimes when I go out to eat, I keep the menu in my hand while I'm shovelling food into my mouth just in case I want to order more food.
- I think it's okay to call you my "gal pal."
- I'm on a cosmic quest to find the "anti-soma" and do a lot of "science experiments" in my room.
- I don't know you exist.
- I will make you feel terrible for never going to church.
- I'm gay.
- I liked X-Men 3.
- I'm going to let you fall completely in love with me, then totally distance myself from you. Then when we finally break up, I'm going to blatantly remind you that we're never getting back together every time you slip up and contact me.
- I'm going to try to be the drummer for your band, but all I really want to play is "Don't Stop Believin."
- I'm not interested in you at all, but I will constantly tell you how hot your friends are.
- I look really good in women's clothing.
- I can't dance.
- I'm always going to make you listen to loud Scandinavian metal in my car.
- I'll make you watch geeky science fiction movies and then leave right when they're over.
- I'll say I'm making you a nice dinner and then cook instant mashed potatoes with a side of Hamburger Helper.
- I haven't cleaned my bathroom since 2006.
- Whenever I go to a sandwich shop, I eat a lot of pickles and then I don't brush my teeth afterwards.
- I'm obsessed with myself.
- I 'd rather hang out with my friends on a Friday night than hang out with you. You can join us though. It's only a group of like 20 million generic, uninteresting people that enjoy having bland, surface-level conversations while drinking Mountain Dew and playing Rock Band.
- I will never understand your music.
- I won't understand your writing either.
- I won't read your blog, but you can read mine.
- When you text me late at night because you're lonely, I'll tell you I need to sleep.
- When you open up to me about stuff that's been going on in your head, I'll politely listen, but then I'll tell you to leave so I can get eight hours of sleep.
- I'll let my hair grow into obnoxious, mullet-esque lengths.
- I'll guilt-trip you into going to my awkward family reunions.
- I'll make you go camping even though I know you hate camping.
- For Christmas, I'll burn you DVDs of pirated TV shows that won't work on your DVD player.
- I'll write you a song...about transvestites.
- I'll whine about my job all of the time even though you're unemployed.
- I'm just an asshole in general.
Um...yeah, that theoretical application is not based on personal experience at all.
Okay, it totally is.
On second thought, I think I'm going to scrap the whole dating application idea and just NOT DATE. Maybe be a nun. Or maybe just a really bad ass independent chick who doesn't need a man.
After all, if the rock star thing works out, having a boyfriend (serious or otherwise) will only get in the way.
And I'm still recovering from the latest relationship fiasco. Dated him for almost a year, which is both a long time and not a long time simultaneously. Broke up a couple months ago. It was a mutual break-up, but he kind of evolved into a cold-hearted jerk after that. I had let myself become wrapped up in the idea that we would be together for a long time, so when he was "just not feeling the same way about you anymore, sorry" two weeks after the break-up, it was a little devastating. But it's no use being all hung-up over it. Being single really isn't that bad most of the time. Actually, it's a little bit liberating.
The good thing about having terrible luck with men is that I have an infinite amount of sitcom material and songwriting inspiration. Some of my best songs have been written in response to stupid boys being, well, stupid. Lyrics inspired by said boys include:
"Think I'm working over time trying to make you happy/ But all you do is whine/ Then get all weird and sappy."
"There's something wrong with you/ Don't try to give me an excuse/ Or sit and yell at me/ I do not want to hear it anymore!"
"I am an iceberg/ I am a glacier/ you are a green house gas and you're eating/ through the ozone layer/ so now I am melting."
"I'm not your mannequin! You're not my man!"
These are all pretty great songs, so I really should thank those stupid boys for being so stupid.
Unfortunately, the one love song in my band's repertoire was written for my most recent ex-boyfriend. It was a crowd favorite, but it's permanently off the set list because I cannot sing the lyrics "Night turns into day/ and you still haven't gone away" without becoming a little bit like Adam Sandler in "The Wedding Singer" when he sings the song he wrote for his ex-girlfriend (I'm sure you know the scene, it's kind of infamous).
Anyway, that's all I've got for this week. I should stop before I get completely bitter and bitchy. As hard as it was to write about this topic, it felt pretty good to throw all of that out there. Hopefully it even made you laugh a little bit. I'm laughing as I'm rereading this mess.
Ah, boys! Why must you be so dumb?
Oh well. I've got myself. That's all I really need in this crazy world, right?
With that, I shall say "farewell." Happy Friday, friends!
|Time to hide behind ye olde pillow...|