Monday, 1 November 2010

F%#k it, I'm Just Going to Get a Bunch of Cats

This week The Transatlantic Support Group is discussing “Relationships or Lack Thereof.” Though I try to be all feminist and think “I am fine alone, I don’t need a man,” it’s hard sometimes - especially now that we’re in our twenties and our friends are pairing off, getting married and having babies, buying houses and stuff. There’s so much pressure on us! Have a career, settle down, have your own life. But it’s scary and hard and I don’t want to!


Okay, so I keep a lot of notebooks and journals and I never throw them out or even tear out pages. Because of this I can tell you that in May 2009 I came up with the four guys who’ve captivated my heart and made me crazy, and I of course gave them hilarious nicknames. It’s been over a year since then, but I’d say the list still stands.

Before I share these with you, I must add that I suck at relationships. Seriously. Don’t ever ask me for advice because I am a lost cause. I choose horrible and/or unavailable people who turn me into a crazy person. That said, I’m going to try to present these as light-heartedly as possible, but in some cases it will be hard to hide the pain/anger/sadness.

Also, back in 2009 I made this graphic featuring South Park characters for each of them, because I thought I might write about them on My Quarter-Life Crisis, but I got nervous and never did. I didn’t want them to accidently (or purposely) stumble upon my blog. we go...

1. Bi-Polar - He’s my number one heartbreak story of all time, with a bullet. We met in high school, he was 17, I was 16. He wore a cute hat and played guitar. We became friends, sort of. We talked on the phone a lot and I always felt like I was close to getting somewhere with him, but he always said nice things, then retracted. Invited me out, then cancelled. This went on for three years. When I started university we didn’t speak for almost four years and I stupidly let him back into my life - because I thought it would be different than before. It wasn’t. Only we were adults and nothing hurts more than being 24-years-old and falling for the same old shit you fell for when you were 17. I’ve slipped up a few times since we last ended things (for the second time). Sorry this wasn’t that funny, I just can’t really think of anything funny to say about this. He played me hot and cold for four and half years combined. This has taught me that drunken emails are a bad idea and you should leave the past in the past.

Listen to: Us Remains Impossible by Matthew Good

2. Baby Daddy - For a more lighthearted story, meet Baby Daddy. When I was 17 I got my first real job at a kiosk in the mall, and he worked at my favourite record store. He was older, smoked (not that that’s cool), and had crazy hair. He used to talk to me all the time on his breaks. He was 22 at the time. Over the years our paths would cross and I always thought he was so adorable and funny and crazy - but I knew I was just a silly high school girl. Later on, during one of my summer’s home from university, our path’s would cross again. In a dirty basement bar he told me how he always liked me and asked me why we never made out. This caught me off guard because It had never occurred to me that he liked me too. So awkwardly, in front of my friend (sorry Amanda) he tried to kiss me. I was pretty much paralyzed by fear and shock. Anyways, after seven gin and tonics I feeling pretty good about that situation, so I gave him my number and he promised to call. I waited. And waited...and waited some more. He never called. Now he has a wife and a baby.

Listen to: Kiss by Prince

3. The Cowardly Manwhore - Never, ever start up a naughty text relationship with one of your friends. Cowardly and I got caught up in a virtual mess that never actually led to anything meaningful and ended with him “dumping” me VIA text telling me he now had a girlfriend! It was so humiliating. I was so hurt by this that I asked him to please talk to me in person. Instead of doing that he avoided me for three and a half years. Also, I should mention that he and I went out several times on what felt like legitimate dates. The good news is that we’re finally speaking again, so that’s good - but we no longer have each other’s cell numbers. [You guys are forcing me to reveal embarrassing stories, jeez].

Listen to: 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover by Paul Simon

4. Hey! Jude - Hey! Jude knows I exist, but he doesn’t know that in my mind he’s my boyfriend and I’ve named all the dogs we’re gonna have together. He’ll play music, I’ll write and create art on the side, and we’ll just have this fantastic life on the fringe together. I’m insane. I know. Also, I have the same last name as his ex, which doesn’t bode well for me. Chances are I’ll just pine over him from afar for a bit longer until someone new captures my attention. Oh, I met him because he used to play shows with my cousin’s husband. Now, I just stalk him on Facebook and attend the occasional gig. I’ve probably revealed too much already. But if you’re reading this Hey! Jude, want to grab a cup of coffee sometime?

Listen to: Green Eyes by Coldplay

Okay, so now you know how unstable I am. Go ahead, un-follow me, I can take it. I’ve been dumped by a text message - I can handle it. Actually, I can’t...please don’t leave me!

As an added bonus, here are some honourable mentions:

The Dog Guy - a cute customer of mine at the cafe, who had an adorable dog. He and I chatted a few times, but he has since disappeared (or moved). I’m pretty sure he was a borderline alcoholic who hated women though.

Cartoon Boy - another former customer of mine. He was an animator and once he brought in a Star Wars figurine he bought on ebay to show me. He moved up north and I was sad.

The Hot T.A. - he was my T.A. for my first year writing class and he was so good looking he made me nervous. He was a former hockey player, who probably has his PhD in Social and Political Thought by now. I used to sit next to him.

Buddy Holly - he was my grade 9 crush. I used to walk by his locker and freak out because I was just a kid and he was all cool and wore Chuck Taylors and thick black glasses and played guitar. Naturally I hated his girlfriend, even though she was a perfectly nice person. In grade 10, after he was graduated, I used his old locker. It was way out of the way from most of my classes.

Mr. Clarke - Mr. Clarke was my soccer coach when I was in grade 10 (I think). He was a girl on my team’s older brother. He was so cute and I thought I was cooler than I probably was back then.

My Grade 6-8 Crush - He was the most popular boy at school, and I was the most awkward. He made it all worth while by dancing with me at the grade 8 grad dance.

So there you have it you know that I am terrible at meeting decent people and my “relationships” have all been very unstable and unhealthy.

Tom - I trust you have something witty and British to say about this topic on Wednesday. I’ll be over here, weeping into my virtual pillow.

Lauren - Thanks for the topic suggestion - I would have never had the balls to post this on my main blog. Having back up helps.

Readers - Thank you for making it to the end of this post! I don’t think I ever thought to ask this, but if you guys have any ideas for topics, please share them in the comments. We have made a list ourselves, but feedback and suggestions would be fabulous!


  1. Haha you're not crazy, this is normal! Well ok, this is normal to me. If i had to list off the many 'nicknamed' guys, well it would take awhile. And despite me being the go-to for relationship crap, even though i haven't had a real one in YEARS, i am truly incompetent at taking my own advice and continue falling for douchebags. I feel for ya :)

  2. Oh yeah, I could have made this list longer - but it had to end somewhere. Thanks for making me seem normal, or maybe we're both screwed up?

    This is what this blog is all about - sharing things that we think make us weird, but then realizing that everyone feels like this and we're actually all pretty similar.

  3. I also suck at relationships. I've never had an actual boyfriend. The closest thing to one was this guy I met last year and hung out with in every minute of our spare time for a week before he moved to California. He was my first kiss, and I was 18, so there's an idea of how pathetic I am. Then I met this guy via the Hacky Sack Club and awkwardly asked him to hang out a few times, and he actually hung out with me! Then I told him that I really like him and got put in the friend zone, so there's my first rejection. That's just because he was the first guy I ever had the courage to tell him how I feel. I guess being friends is good but I want to have a boyfriend! I want someone to hold hands with me and tell me that I'm beautiful even though I'm not and make me feel good about myself. I don't think that's too much to ask for.

  4. Well you're still quite young and you have years ahead of you to make more mistakes and feel awkward. But good for you for meeting people with common interests and stuff - you're on the right track!

    So even though I am unqualified to say so, I recommend you keep going out and doing things you love, but don't do them just to meet someone. It's easier when you're young.

    And - I will yell at you through the internet if you ever say you want a boyfriend to feel beautiful again! That is bullshit - and you know it! Trust me, doing this will only make you feel worse. You honestly have to feel confident and beautiful on your own first. Chin up - don't be so hard on yourself!

  5. I really enjoyed reading this, on my train home this evening. Yes, you kept me smiling through a train journey - that doesn't happen often.

    I'll never unfollow you. Besides, I'm holding out hope for Hey! Jude so will be scanning your blog for the slightest mention that this romance is blossoming. I love a romance, so I do.

    I also love the playlist. Great idea.

    AND I know exactly what you mean when you say you never would have mentioned this on your own blog. I do the same thing, so it will be a first for me. Knowing that you are both doing it too keeps me from backing out. All for one...

    I will do my best to keep it witty. I already have my post in mind, and EMBARRASSING would be a more accurate description.

  6. I'm glad I was able to entertain you on the train!

    Hey Jude better not read this blog...that would be weird.

    You should listen to those songs!

    And one for all!

    Embarrassing is okay! Go for it!

  7. Also, Tom - I post first each week, so I always feel nervous.

  8. Dude,

    This was great.

    As someone who is wayyy worse than you seem to be at relationships (haaa) and boys (haaa haaa!!!!!), I feel you. The self-deprecatory humour, the "ha, aren't I rubbish?" shtick, and the "weeping" jokes that aren't really jokes when you're surrounded by blokes who are almost perfect... dickheads. I know it well.

    Also, I wouldn't even want to start on my "list". Not only is it excruciatingly embarrassing, it's awful.

    And yes, as a feminist I tell myself all the "I am fine by myself, I am a strong, capable, awesome woman.. hear me roar" etc etc etc, but dammit, I can't stroke my hair and make myself feel better when I'm hungover. :(

  9. Not that it's a contest over who sucks at relationships more. Frankly, it's not a race anyone should aim to win - but some of these guys got a favourable edit from me (which is more than they deserve).

    I feel like I'm in a place right now where I can talk about these people and not feel angry.

    Also I have a poster next to my bed that says: "A Woman Without a Man is Like a Fish Without a Bicycle." How's that for feminism?

  10. I feel your pain girl. I have some equally embarrassing stories that will be shared on Friday. I used to think that I suck at relationships as well, that there's something wrong with me or something. But lately I've begin to think that there's something wrong with THEM.

    I was ranting about boys to my fabulous gay friend last week, and he said something that I need to put on a bumper sticker or something. He said, "Oh girl, I know exactly what you mean. Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are either taken or handicapped!"

    So very, very true.

    Anyway, loved reading all your stories, way to be brave in sharing this stuff. I look forward to seeing what Tom has to say on this topic.

  11. I wish I had a fabulous gay friend to give me advice!

    But I sorta disagree that it's them and not me - I mean, it's totally them - BUT I chose them, so clearly the type of person I am attracted to is no good. I think I can change them - but it's just not possible!

  12. I never even considered the fact that you post first every week. That's a very good point. If ever the nerves get too much, let us know and we'll mix it up! :)

  13. I dont mind going first. It works for me.