Sunday, 3 April 2011

A New World Order

When I become King of the World, the first order of business will be to construct several thousand statues of me, in a scarf, pointing. The statues will be erected in towns, cities and sites of interest all over the world. What they will be pointing at is yet to be decided. Perhaps they should point in the direction of my palace.

My second piece of legislation, will see pavements divided into lanes. The slow-walkers will be forced into the slow-lane. People who walk fast enough will therefore be able to carry on at speed without having to slow down for dawdlers. I shall also be given the right to punch anyone who walks slow in the fast-lane in the back of the head, with no retaliation.

Hmmm. What next. Ah. I will receive an invite to every party in the world. An army of well-trained invite-readers will separate the good from the bad before forwarding any worthy of note directly to me.

And I will choose who wins the lottery, every week. I know this takes luck out of the equation, but I want to make sure the money is going to someone who needs it, not someone who is rich already or will just spend their winnings on drugs, or something. In this way, though it may not be the luck of the draw, it will at least go to somebody deserving.

I wish it were possible. My life would be so much fun.


  1. Can I have a Tom statue in my backyard?

  2. re: the pavements divided into lanes.....YES PLEASE! I've found myself thinking lately it would be an *excellent* thing in London...

  3. I'm glad I'm not the only one who wanted to make statues of myself upon conquering the world. Though I think The Pointing Tom Statue tops anything I would come up with. Haha.

  4. Allison - 'Can' you have a Tom statue? No, you *must* have a Tom statue.

    As can you, Girl from Oz. I shall also appoint you Chief Officer In Charge of Ensuring Pavement Lanes are Respected. I'll think of a pithier job title soon, don't worry. That's a bit of a mouthful.

    Lauren - I've decided I might just weld my face onto existing statues. Nelson's Column, the Statue of Liberty, the Sphinx, Christ the Redeemer. What do you think?