Less Than Sober Moments With The Yank

Believe it or not, alcohol not one of my favorite things. I like to go to pubs and drink beer with my friends occasionally, but I usually try to avoid getting absolutely trashed. Maybe it's because I know I'm a lightweight and that if I have more than two drinks I become downright obnoxious. Maybe it's because my social circle lacks that person who can always hold it together enough to drive home so I end up attempting to act responsible. Or maybe it's the fact that hangovers are horrendous and I have never said to myself "Oh man, I am so glad I drank that much last night!"

But I do have a special list of things I do when there is alcohol in my system. Some are more incriminating than others. The list is as follows:

- Laugh loudly at things that aren't that funny. The time I drank vodka and watched "Labyrinth" with some friends was nearly a disaster. Sure, it's got a kitsch factor, but it's not worthy of a laugh attack every time David Bowie comes on the screen.

- Sing every song at the club. If I'm not careful, I can easily transform into that obnoxious person who exclaims "I LOVE THIS SONG" within the first few notes of every new track.

- Appreciate the music of Ke$ha. When I'm sober, I think the music of Ke$ha is appalling. But when there is alcohol involved, I just have to dance to it. I will even go so far as to sing along. Last time I went dancing, my friends found me singing "Tik Tok" in it's entirety with a random gay man. There were hand motions involved and everything. Horrifying.


- Dance as though I'm in a choreographed music video. I have no problem dancing when I'm sober, but when I've had a couple of drinks I tend to get really into it.


- Play charades on a friend's front lawn. Ladies and gentlemen, this is why I stay away from tequila. I stood with my arms extended and yelled the words "I AM A MAILBOX" to an entire neighborhood. I think I forgot that you're not supposed to talk in charades.


- Talk in a variety of fake accents. Usually I go back and worth between Indian and Eastern European. I've also been known to have really long, deep philosophical conversations entirely in a fake accent when under the influence of alcohol.

- Send incoherent text messages. Phones need to come with built-in breathalyzers.

- Email Tom and Allison to inform them that I have been drinking. Usually I put something really clever in the heading ("Drunk Lauren Is Drunk!").


- Wear a sparkly red cape in public. Even when going to a gay nightclub, cape-wearing is not a sober activity.

There's probably more but I will stop incriminating myself at this time.